he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
