a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
