I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
All the doctor said was why
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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