operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
