We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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