Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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