dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I need water and some morals
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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