Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
