you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
