Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
