So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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