it hurts more in the daytime
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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