Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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