Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
