I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
