I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
