she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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