Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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