You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
