i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
