upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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