you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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