I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
