i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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