Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
