Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
