Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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