matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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