Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
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