i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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