god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
