You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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