My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
