Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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