You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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