I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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