is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
