all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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