I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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