I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Randomize
