Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
