so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Come see our sink grown plant.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
