And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
