they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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