We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
