As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
