All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
