when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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