I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
