I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
