I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
